Acknowledgement ,Acceptance, and Appreciation

The Human species has achieved feats that no other species in the animal kingdom has come close to. And history has been a witness to how the sheer intentionality that the human mind brings, in everything they do, generates an energy that transforms generations to come.

But while being intentional about life is critical, our ability to stay intentional stems from a few basics in everyday life. While happiness is celebrated as an eternal goal, the quest for it doesn’t always lead to success, and it brings up a larger question that is happiness the right end goal for each one of us? Is there something more profound that we all look for subconsciously?

As a kid we all have heard our parents say “that’s not right”, the dilemma it creates in most of us is the question on what is right? On one side we have the universal right, a right which is agreed upon by society or the larger collective. This collective may be as large as humanity, where one of the highest virtues is not to harm or kill another human being. Or the collective might be our smaller groups, the set of groups which we all interact with every day, be it our family, relatives, friends or even workplace colleagues. Much of our lifetime is spent aligning our minds to this right, while we neglect another right which lies deep within ourselves. That’s the other side, which makes us feel what is right according to us. Deep down within us we all have a voice which cringes on some things, and open hearted welcomes some other things.

But the truth of both these “what-is-right’s?” be it the external one or the internal one, is that none is absolute. Both are influenced by each other. We are born in a group called family. We borrow virtues from that group as our own, at the same time we are exposed to multiple experiences beyond our family, which create newer virtues that we start aligning to. In short, the virtues of the self and the other are ever evolving. The society evolves, the family evolves and the civilization evolves into newer ways of life. What remains the same is that individual who traverses this through his or her own realities evolving into a newer being every day. We shed 12 million cells every year, and almost all cells are replaced every 7 years!!. But we still carry our ghosts with us. We carry our identity ourselves which we defend in multiple places keeping its sanity to be what we believe it is.

Every year as a manager I go through an exercise which is an important part of my job. It is also perhaps the most dreaded part of everyone’s job. It’s the performance evaluation discussion, called differently in different companies. While some see it as a blatant attack manufactured in the laboratory of manager’s brain. Some others realize it as an opportunity to see themselves from a different perspective. Because eventually the human mind is not very well versed with seeing our own selves from others perspective, we are highly self-biased.
This process of writing evaluations is a tiring and sometimes emotionally exhausting process because as a manager if done appropriately, you are accountable for the growth of every employee in your team, while also a model of carrying the companies’ values. And the complexity doesn’t end there, because eventually the manager must be cognizant of the emotional self that the employee is. This understanding of their direct reports’ way of accepting feedback, helps shape up the language of the message that you want to put across.

And while doing this for years now, one thing I have realized is the strong need for acknowledgement by each one of us. It’s not just me saying this out of position of power or role. But in general, we all want to be acknowledged for the “what is right for us” that we talked about above. We want to feel validated for our actions. Remember as a kid when we did any specific action which may have been new to us, we looked around, we looked at someone in the group to nod or acknowledge the righteousness of that action. And even if you were the super confident kid in the town, we all sought some affirmation of the larger group or people of authority. And this doesn’t just happen when we are kids, as we grow, we seek constant validation of our ways of doing things. We join large organizations where on one side we want to show our confident selves showcasing the capabilities that we have, somewhere in the corner of our hearts we want that nod. That nod which says your way of thinking is acknowledged. At that time, it’s less about acceptance of whether you are doing it right, that is secondary. But the primary feeling of being acknowledged for what you think or do or what you actually are without being questioned for your primal existence is the foundations of human existence. And beyond that, being accepted does not equate to being celebrated or being punished. But the core of it lies in the fact that as a being I am acknowledged within the realms of the multiple rights that exist in the whole wide world. Acknowledgement may seem like a simple word, but it impacts the sense of self to a great degree.

And there are two words here, almost gradual transitions from being acknowledged in the first place for existing in the most natural way that you are and then accepted for your thinking.
Being acknowledged and being accepted are again two emotions altogether. The first one helps you not feel like you are an invisible person in the room, while the second one enables you to be talked to even when you have those values which are distinct from others.
So, going back to the workplace performance evaluations, I have heard many times by my mentees that they haven’t felt accepted within the team or within the company. The sense of belonging hasn’t come not because the individual doesn’t want to belong, but on the contrary has a high desire to belong. But acceptance goes beyond being accepted in a group. It is the core of being accepted for who you are that matters. You may not be the best, you may still have a lot to improve and evolve into, but if you are treated like nobody you won’t ever feel the desire to listen in ways you could become a better self. Hence one piece of advice I would give to all new managers and everyone in the workplace. Accept people for who they are, yes you may have many disagreements about their ways and values but accept them as a human being in their natural state. Post that you may disagree with the person or even dislike the person, that does not mean you should not accept their existence and presence.

Much like the workplace, our personal web of relationships also feels complete only when we feel acknowledged and accepted. And this might just be saying things which look obvious but matter. It might be parents intently listening to their kids school story(even if it is boring), or partners being proactive about asking ‘how did the presentation go?’ or even managers calling out explicitly “ I saw you were listening intently in that meeting”. Your act of recognizing other human beings’ presence and their actions is a big start.  Humans in your life be it at home, or in workplace all need their presence to be validated. It might not be an explicit need, and some of you may argue otherwise too. Many of us out there are highly self-validated individuals who do not need affirmations from the external world. But that’s the difference between appreciating someone and acknowledging + accepting someone. Appreciation is equally important, and it injects the much-needed motivation in human life, but all of this when done in a fake manner can lead to disasters. Even for that instance when you fake acknowledge someone in the room for formality, vs fake-appreciate someone, it can be disastrous. You see the human mind is a highly advanced engine that can detect the slightest of fakeness in emotions. Much to see when AI reaches the realm of Artificial Emotions that we will be able to test it further. Even a child can detect your fake congratulations over a genuine one. As a manager I have realized that appreciating efforts vs appreciating outcomes has led to far long-standing benefits. And that too when appreciation comes genuinely in the moment, rather than delayed in months in a performance review only. I co-relate it to bite sized nutrition of dry fruits. You don’t always have to appreciate people in a grandeur manner with rewards attached to it. Bite sized appreciation when you genuinely feel the emotion at the right time can help the person receiving the appreciation in the right spirit. Classical management practices have devised hundreds of methods to do this. For example, the sandwich method of feedback where unfortunately appreciation is used as bait by some people, just to share feedback. While it works but again if it’s not genuine and is purely sugarcoating for the sake of giving feedback, it can backfire terribly. And that boils down to cultivating the emotion and empathy within us to see the goods in small things, even if the outcome was a terrible piece of art the efforts can be appreciated. And yes not always are we in this happy state of mind wanting to motivate the world, and that’s fine too, because that is the very time when you just need to acknowledge and move on.

Lastly, I want to say that none of my reflections today are formulas. I do not mean to preach that this is the only way things will work. The world is a complex place, and every situation is unique for its own league. Every human being is trying to climb their own mountains with only them having visibility of their own terrain. But in a world where we are rapidly alienating each other in a quest to find our own unique ‘right’, a subtle nod to the other person’s existence and actions can surely bring more sanity and humaneness to our lives.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________

This article was handwritten and hand typed with no use of AI, hence please forgive me if there are any grammatical errors. Also, these are my personal views and does not represent or endorse the organization I work for.